Put your money on the pony express

Yesterday I pulled up at the lights alongside a woman who appeared to be completely normal except for one thing. She was driving a Kia Rio hatchback.Doubtless money was the governing factor in this extraordinary car-buying decision, but if she wanted to buy transportation for the lowest possible price then why not a pogo stick? It would have been more comfortable and more dignified. Honestly, I’d rather climb inside Mark Oaten than climb inside a Rio.

Yes, it is inexpensive but so is having your head cut off with an axe. And anyway, while it may be cheap it’s certainly not good value. Because it feels cheap. It feels nasty. It’s market-stall, pavement-catering engineering that has about as much to do with a proper car as a pirated DVD has to do with what you buy from WH Smith.

Now before Kia gets medieval on my arse, I’d like to say that pretty well all cars from the Pacific rim are just as bad, with the possible exception of the Hyundai Getz. This feels like a European car, but then it’s priced like a European car. Which means it has an even bigger problem. You’re paying designer money and going home with your purchase in a supermarket bag.

Things I’d rather do than own a Korean or Malaysian car include French-kissing Bill Oddie. And this is not some snide, snobbish, all-right-for-me observation either. It’s just that you can have proper engineering, with proper brakes and proper sound insulation for even less. The Toyota Aygo is fabulous, as is its Citroën brother. Or if this is still a stretch, why not buy second-hand? Oh, sure, the warranty you get on a used car is never going to be a match for the no-quibble 300-year solid granite guarantee that Hyundai will offer in a desperate bid to part you from your stash. But let’s be frank; if you buy a two-year-old VW or Honda, it is unlikely to go wrong. In fact I’ve had a Ford Focus for five years and so far nothing has fallen off or exploded. I’ve owned less reliable chairs. And trust me on this, it is miles and miles nicer to drive, nicer to own and nicer to look at than any Kia, Proton, SsangYong or Perodua.

In fact, come to think of it, a small but fatal virus is nicer to drive, own and look at than a SsangYong. I’d rather marry Bill Oddie than have one of those

In fact, come to think of it, a small but fatal virus is nicer to drive, own and look at than a SsangYong. I’d rather marry Bill Oddie than have one of those.

Pacific rim cars are made to prop up the economies of Third World countries. They’re for African taxi drivers, a rival for the moped and the mule. And I bet the people working in the factories over there simply cannot believe that 10,000 miles away people in the world’s fourth richest country are buying them too. They must think we’re insane.

The only trouble is that you can’t really buy a second-hand version of my favourite hatchback, the Golf GTI, because the model you’ll get for Kia money will be a Mk 3, which was terrible, or the Mk 4, which was even worse. Buy one of these and you really will have to play anagrams with that GTI badge.

But if you are in a fortunate position to buy one new, then you’ll have every car you ever needed. It’s brilliant.