Made a order for some memory stick Duo, arrived late and over prices I think. They got some guys orders mixed up, and sending him something different n was on me apparently. Well, the factory n postal fault shouldnt have been mixed, am sure they will fix it with the guy. Well outta ma hands. Keeps calling which is annoying, should be calling the factory not me, I aint no factory.

After two unusually dry winters Britain is no longer classified by the world’s climatologists as “unbelievably wet and miserable”. We are now listed as “soggy and horrid” and, as a result, I’ve had a letter from my local water company telling me not to clean my teeth or wipe my bottom.

There is a chilling warning, too. If I persist with my personal hygiene, they will ban me from topping up the swimming pool.

Of course, everyone is now running around saying that instead of sending out threatening letters, the water companies should spend some of their profits fixing the leaks.

Why? The whole point of a company is to make money, not to spend every single penny it has digging up every single road in the country to repair a system that is 150 years old and completely knackered.

Even more annoying are the swivel-eyed loonies who have blamed the water shortage on people who eat meat. They argue that thanks to climate change, southeast Britain has less rainfall per head than Sudan. So what? Monte Carlo probably has less rainfall per head than the moon. It just means that a lot of people live in Monaco, not that the Monegasques have to walk to a standpipe every morning with buckets on their heads and flies in their eyes.

On top of all this you have those who say that the hosepipe ban is not the fault of climate change or the water companies but is all down to John Prescott and his insane plan to house everyone from eastern Europe, Africa and South America in a starter home on the outskirts of Canterbury. “That’s why there’s a water shortage,” they say. “It’s all being stolen by Somalian rapists.”

Of course, normally, I would leap at the chance to pour scorn all over Two Shags but I’m afraid I don’t subscribe to this ridiculous blame culture. And so, instead of sitting around with a dirty bottom and scuzzy teeth, pointing an accusing finger at anyone and everyone, I have been working out what might be done.

The fact of the matter is that from 1760 Britain’s rainfall patterns have been up and down like a pair of whore’s drawers. We have a handful of very wet years and then a handful of dry ones. And we’ve always managed just fine.

What has changed recently is that Mr Prescott has moved south. I’ve moved south. Everyone’s moved south. Ever wondered why you never hear about anything going on in Scunthorpe these days? It’s because the entire population now lives in Guildford. And what are all these émigrés doing? Well, mostly they’re standing in dried-up lake beds wondering where all the water has gone.

What’s urgently needed in the southeast are more reservoirs. And that’s a problem. In the north when you build a reservoir you lose, at worst, three small villages and a couple of bats. But wherever you build such a thing in the southeast would mean drowning something a bit more substantial. Like Marlow, for example. Or Windsor Castle.

What’s to be done? Well, if we head back up north we find Kielder Water, one of the largest man-made lakes in Europe. It was first mooted in the 1960s, when everyone felt that heavy industry in the northeast would need more and more water to stay competitive. But it was opened in 1976, at pretty well the precise moment when the last of the region’s heavy industry closed down.

I’m sure there are people there now, still working out who was to blame for this mistake. I’m not. I’m wondering how it might be possible to get some of those 44 billion gallons of water to my toothbrush.

How hard can it be? An idea, first mooted in The Sunday Times seven years ago, suggested that the water could be scooped into massive plastic bags and then floated down the North Sea. This idea was tested in Greece and then forgotten. I’m guessing because plastic bags full of water when put in the sea will, er, sink.

No, the only sensible way to move water from the north to the south is in pipes and please don’t tell me this can’t be done. If we can get gas from Siberia to the back of my Aga, without a single leak at any point on the journey then, I’m pretty certain, we can get water from Tyne and Wear to my lavatory bowl.

Doubtless you are all thinking that the cost and disruption of such a pipeline would far outweigh the benefits. But who says it has to go by land? Why not run it offshore down the east coast? You wouldn’t even need any energy-sapping pumps because the base of the dam at Kielder Water is 460ft higher than central London. It would be downhill all the way. Complicated? I don’t think so. Brunel could probably have designed and built such a thing in about a week.

I have another idea. In places like Dubai, where the rainfall is even lower than ours, they build desalination plants and get their water from the sea. Why can we not do this? At the very least, drinking sea water will help to keep the sea levels down.

Unfortunately, none of these ideas will ever come to fruition because everyone is far too busy blaming everyone else. You can take the consequences if you want to and end up in the Middle Ages.

Me? I’m going to spend the summer washing my bottom with Evian and topping up my swimming pool with gin.